This is an oddly satisfying, low-budget monster movie. Not to give anything away but this film offers the least scary monster ever. It also has a charming, goofy vibe. It is intentionally funny tho it looks like your average cheesy b-flick sloppy mess.
Look at the title. Instead of Beware the River Beast or Revenge of the River Beast we have the scary words in the middle of the title, trailing off to the diminuendo of ‘Get You’. This movie clearly isn’t trying to make you jump out of your seat.
To make that clear, the movie begins with a warning. We see an uncomfortable looking man seated in a chair. At the advice of counsel, he tells us, the producers have added red flashes to the screen just prior to appearances of the dreaded Beast. When they occur, he says, you should put your hand over your eyes. He demonstrates, leaving a gap so that he can see. He reads his lines as if he had not seen them before, which seems quite likely.
The credits reveal a lot of shared family names. An abundance of family and friends made this movie possible, on both sides of the camera. It was filmed in Manchester, NH, and environs, with the Merrimack River as the home of the River Beast.
The story concerns the return of Neil Stuart to River Town. He left town in disgrace several years ago. He had seen a monster, the River Beast, in some unexplained circumstance. He tried to warn the town but no one believed him. Instead they ridiculed him, called him RB.
He returned to River Town at the behest of his godmother. She wants him to represent the godfamily at the wedding of Neil’s godcousin. Sic. His. godmother refuses to go because she doesn’t like the fiancé. Neil rents her basement as he tries to start over.
As he gets to town he meets his ex-fiancée Emmaline. She had broken off their engagement because of the River Beast kerfuffle. She too is now engaged to a jerk. Neil carries a flame.
Other townies show him disdain, call him RB. He retained a couple of friends, Troy and Millhouse aka Milly. Troy calls Neil the greatest tutor this town has ever seen, obviously awed by the vast but true nature of his statement. He offers to get Neil some jobs. Milly is the town’s greatest poetry tutor. The three of them had a band, which might get back together now that Neil is back.
Living with Neil in the godmother’s basement is Teddy. He plays guitar and has been in the dumps since Neil left and the band broke up. Neil encourages him to get back to playing guitar. While busking for bucks in the park, a young woman starts dancing to the music. She explains that she is popping. That’s a kind of dance, you see. From what I can tell, she’s just moving a bit but okay, they meet cute. Her name is Pamela, and she’s a free spirit. She moves in with the boys, getting the bed while they get mattresses on the floor.
The movie actually begins with Allie Stone, a student at a finishing school. She concocts a way to get a pervy professor at the school fired. In doing so, she gets kicked out of school. Her father Frank hires Neil to straighten her out. Frank is always referred to as ex-professional athlete Frank Stone. Thru out the movie he practices various sports with his son but which professional sport he played professionally is never expressed. “I don’t pay people to lose to me in horseshoes,” he told Neil by way of telling Neil to get tutoring.
The actress who plays Allie, Sharon Scalzo, deserves notice. She is the only actually lively person in the movie. She resembles Alicia Silverstone in Clueless. She is perky, mischievous, and energetic. Her face constantly moves with rolled eyes, lifted eyebrows, widened eyes, wrinkled nose. She’s a great counter-balance to the stodgy discomfort of the rest of the cast. I am not denigrating those others. The amateur level of the acting is a central dynamic of the movie.
The movie now pretends to develop plot tension. Neil doesn’t get along with Emmaline’s fiancé, nor with his godcousin’s fiancé. He is hounded by the editor of the River Town Daily Standard, who spearheaded the mockery of Neil. The editor’s name is Sparky Watts, just so you know. The actor playing the editor drags on his cigarette like no smoker ever does.
Things are almost getting exciting at this point. In an effort to win back Emmaline, Neil hired noted big game hunter Ito Hootkins to find the River Beast and clear Neil’s name. Ito is also a noted lady’s man, tho on what basis this could be true is not clear. Ito tells Neil “It’s easy for a woman to fall in love with me, I have je ne sais quoi.” Like the professor that Allie took down, Ito is much interested in the so-called picnic babes, young ladies who picnic in the woods. His method of finding the Beast is wandering in the woods playing his harmonica.
I neglected to mention that Milly is obsessed with food. He, along with Ito, express interest in eating the River Beast. ”Must be some good eating,” Milly speculates. In an early scene, Milly reprimands Troy for not offering Milly some peanuts. Troy counters that Milly never shared his squash that time. The greatest poetry tutor this town has seen replies that squash is not a food you can share.
The wedding of godcousin Cynthia to that jerk gets tense when Emmaline’s jerk fiancé takes seconds from the buffet before Milly gets firsts. Fisticuffs almost ensue but Neil saves the day by getting the River Mud Wranglers or whatever the name to play a tune. All the producer’s friends and relatives start dancing, and Pamela pops.
There is indeed a River Beast and it appeared early on with proper warning. A take on the Creature from the Black Lagoon, but with expense spared. Various antagonists of Neil get killed by the Beast, implicating Neil. Pamela gets wanderlust—she’s a free spirit—seeing a lady hobo, sic, skipping with bindle and staff, double sic. She tells no one she’s leaving so suspicion falls on Neil. Neil is jailed.
Allie works to free him. She visits him in the jail. Continuity fans will enjoy that when she entered the building she wore jeans. Talking to Neil she wore a dress. Neil has her take Troy and Ito with her to get pictures of the Beast. At this point, Allie is wearing shorts. They find the River Beast. Ito gets the pic but the Beast kills him. ito drops the camera as he dies. Troy volunteers to grab the camera. Before doing so, he requests that Allie call him Soldier Moons. Where’d that come from?
Soldier Moons grabs the camera and tosses it to Allie. The River Beast kills him. Allie gets away because she has professional athlete genes. Neil is allowed to be freed as further deaths occurred while he was in the pokey. He, Teddy, and Milly go after the Beast. Neil honors the death of a hero, Solder Moons, then they find the Beast. The Beast quickly knocks out Milly and Teddy Three Stooges-style. Neil does what he can but the Beast looms for the kill. Ex-professional athlete Frank Stone appears, ready for a scrap. He gestures to the Beast to bring it, then starts slugging. With unexpected canniness, the Beast grabs some leaves and throws them in the ex-professional athlete’s face. Of course that disorients the ex-professional athlete. Frank Stone dies, almost sadly.
When Teddy met Pamela, she told him about the wonders of kitty litter. It can do many things, she declared: melt ice, be used as confetti, absorb moisture. The couple gave Neil a bag. In the dire moment Neil pulled out the bag and threw some on the Beast. The desiccating power of the litter kills the Beast.
The final scene reveals Neil as a hero, Allie as the new reporter for the River Town Daily Standard, and Emmaline and Neil as engaged. They intend to adopt the ex-fiancé’s son from a previous marriage. Cue the credits.
The consistently flaky meta quality of the movie intrigues me. Plot-. wise, there is no tension whatever. Every blockbuster you’ve ever seen relies on that tension but here it is eschewed. Instead, you have Neil meaningfully drinking chocolate milk at odd moments of the film.
Something gung-ho pervades the movie. It’s like those Let’s put on a show! movies, and they really did. The dialogue is quirky. Teddy refers to his basement digs as domicile and abode. Who does that?
Charles Roxburgh co-wrote and directed. Matt Farley co-wrote, produced, and played Neil. There’s at least one other film by them, with largely the same cast. I will take this sort of movie over any number of well-funded spectacles. The energy comes from the creative spark rather than the giddy vigor of profit. I am telling you, Don’t Let the River Beast Get You is a hunk of fun
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