still sans computer, and this library one has a view such as I can barely read my own blog, and I don't know how to rectify that. I'm scuffling now, it's just a time to scuffle. reading a lot of Jung and Nietzsche because that is what I'm studying. I miss the dailiness of this blog. I have to store up a day or more of stuff, for when I can get to an internet portal. it eats at me when I can't write. but life is life, live on. I would guess, can only guess, that my father's refusal of food and water was something of his right to death. the Schiavo story is just, as Stephen Vincent says, gothic. acceptance is at the end of everything, isn't it? religion is so unreasonable, just as science is. I'm sick of the pathology of these divisions. brazen definitions. burial of my father seemed a ceremony outside me, didn't touch me. certainly not like the burial of Beth's father on a green slope in West Virginia. just my 3 brothers, their wives, Beth, Erin, and 6 other grandchildren. I felt very emotional until each person (almost) said a few words. and tho the emotion was real in all cases, the expression just left me cool. standing in the cold before a silly little urn. dad? I didn't want to say platitudes. my father was a good man in a way I can be proud of. and I took worthy lessons from him. but I didn't want to dissolve him into such words, or eulogical extensions. Beth piped up a few remembrances of him, which stayed inside the human picture that we knew. I managed to say simply, mom was the light of our family, dad was the keel. we as a family lost our centre when she died. I feel, with my father's death, that the family no longer exists as such. religion in the sense of regulated orthodoxies is a poison. it has us speak of things outside our ken. it makes us assert what we don't know. I say religion, but I wouldn't want to exclude such affiliations as the Democratic and Republican parties. Beth regularly gets on the phone with the offices of our esteemed senators and representative, to indicate her dismay. Kennedy and Cave In Kerry go along with the Republican crunch as easy as kiss my hand. I had that problem during the presidential debates when Kerry started huffing like GW about chasing down terrorists. such a declaration didn't define him versus Bush (so why vote for him?), and maybe, hey maybe some alternative thinking could be offered. it's just machines running on their own. that's the orthodoxy I'm railing--yes, this is an example of railing--against. orthodoxy takes our poetry away.