my father came home from rehab on tuesday. an ambulance dropped him off, as he hasn't been able to leave his bed in a couple of weeks. I didn't realize until the day before that he would still be on oxygen. we moved his bed into a bigger room to accomodate all the stuff needed to facilitate his care. 24-hour caregivers would help us with the care, for 2 people (with a child) clearly could not handle the load. my father is bedridden, vey weak, needs 2 people to move him. when he went in the hospital he could walk with a walker, get around, and he had a healthy appetite. he came back with zero appetite and barely willing to drink water. he'd been on IV up till the morning he left the rehab. the idea that the might improve at home was what fueled the move. I sure didn't know what was right, emotion and logic compete. went thru the intake process with the company providing 24 hour caregivers, and another that provides physical therapists and nurses to monitor my father's condition. the 1st caregiver arrived at 3:00 in the afternoon. the morning had been mild, foggy and rainy. it turned cold during the afernoon. my father was settled in. not willing to drink water or eat. and he had diarrhea. he had lost a lot of weight, must be less than 160, and incredibly stiff. the caregiver, David, needed help moving him. my father was confused. he howled in pain and, I think, indignity. he used to be a model patient, do what people said. and to prevent bedsores, my father needed to be moved every 2 hours. by late afternoon it was snowing and bejesus cold. hellish. the wind was vicious. sometime in the evening, David ran out to move his car off the street, and it was a phantasmagoric scene watching him struggle to scrape the windows and move the car. the snow blew perfectly horizontally. I went to bed maybe 10:00. Beth stayed up for the shift change and beyond. the 2nd caregiver, Annabella, sent her to bed. I woke several times hearing my father complain. in the morning I helped with cleaning and moving my father, which woke Beth. I also shovelled Annabella out. the 3rd shift arrived, a young man named Med. he was extremely gentle. we'd found that apprising my father of what we were going to do and asking if that ws okay made things easier, but Med aready knew that. by his accent, I'd guess that Med was born in Africa, tho I didn't inquire where. he graduated from a local public school. he'd say to my father, Mr Otis, I am going to roll you on your side, is that okay? well, it wasn't super okay, as my father didn't like it and howled some, but he acquiesced better as things went on. but took very little water or food, we're talking mere sips of water and juice. more intake stuff, with one of my brothers, a nurse and Med talking over my father's condition and care. I started to cry. I felt so much weight on me. Erin and I went ot the gym in the afternoon, to work some of it off. my oldest brother and his wife visited, and my father ate 4 saltines and some smoothie, asked for his watch and even conversed a bit. he slept thru the night, and the morning too. ther was a 2 hour gap when no caregivers could be scheduled, and my father just slept. he really fought when he was cleaned and changed later. would take nothing. well, Med has been able to give him his medications, heart stuff, crushed up with a little water. I'm not sure how successful the rehab was at that. Beth and I completely exhaustd fron the stress and the hours, and more more stress. we realized we couldn't do it. my father hardly recognizes home as home. I told my brother who handles my father's affairs. so yesterday, on my father's 94th birthday, we decided to send him back to the rehab. today, this morning. I have done a lot of caregiveing in my time, years of it. Beth nursed her stepmother at home thru a long cancer decline and death. we reached a point. logically we know we did what we could, yet it weighs on us. and we know that my father needs an IV. he's shutting down. my broterhs and wives came by yesterday evening to recognize my father's birthday. when I came in, we'd been out with Erin, I burst into tears. burst.