tips

How To Recognize If A Poetry Reading Is Imminent
1. there is a sharp rise or fall in sea level
2. all birds vacate the area
3. the ocean turns a very dark brown

How To Protect Your Home From A Poetry Reading
1. turn off hot water heater
2. unplug all appliances and open the stove
3. tape toilet seat shut
4. dampen floors with garden hose

How To Survive A Poetry Reading
1. seek shelter when the day is half over
2. rub bat guano on your skin to protect it from bites
3. drink alcohol for warmth
4. remain still to conserve heat until the reading subsides
5. if you are not in danger, simply surrender your belongings
6. scream loudly and perform animated, martial arts style kicks in the air
7. wet your pants, or, if you can't do that, drool saliva down your chin
8. avoid wearing shiny jewelry
9. stay near groups of other poets

How To Minimize Discomfort From Poetry Reading
1. suck on a pebble
2. breathe thru your mouth
3. flex your tongue

How To Win A Poetry Slam
1. make steady, quick blows up and down and left and right with the text.
2. raise the text behind your head and lunge at your opponent
3. slowly and confidently stab at your opponent with up and down movements

How To Help After A Poetry Reading
1. do not extinguish any fires
2. do not begin to clean up before the area has been surveyed
3. turn off the water main
4. wearing long pants and boots, begin to clean up dangerous spills
5. assist any injured people