time to admit that I am depressed. I'm not gloomy or joyless but definitely anxious and sad. years of caregiving made a weight not easy to slough off. caring for children, you see them gain knowledge and ability. caring for an older person, you see them slip. when we realized that no more could be done, that his care was beyond us, and he was returned to the rehab, I was the one putting him into the ambulance. I was witness to a logn time of loss as his physical and mental capabilities changed and declined. I don't know if I mentioned, but the day he died, I played a tune by this lamented Canadian group Rare Air called "Marvin's March". a stirring slow Scottish march dedicated to the memory of (of all people) Marvin Gaye. it begins traditional sounding, with 2 bagpipes and those tight Highland snares. ensuing choruses weird out a bit with funky electric bass, drums and odd key changes. very basic voice instead of crap memorial services and obits that miss the point. it's not like the world isn't beautiful. Erin turned 16 on the 4th. friday we ate out not exactly for Erin's birthday but why not. yesterday the three of us went furniture shopping, i.e. Beth's joy, my duty and Erin's complete torture. it was great. I'm lucky. just not over my grief.